Help Your Child Process Emotional Pain in a Healthy Way
Helping a child in emotional pain is one of a parent’s greatest responsibilities. There are actions you can take to help them healthily process pain.
There have been many changes in my life lately. Not bad changes, but still changes. We have left our place in the country for a small flat in the city.
It had to happen. But it wasn’t easy.
And changes are hard on kids.
And while I have friends and a counselor to talk to, these kids have had to navigate huge changes with minimal support. I’ve had to take a good, long look at that.
Last night, I spoke to my eldest boy about the move. He still misses the country.
I knew the move would be the hardest on him. He prefers solitude and his animals. He was in charge of the animals, and his quiet soul found solace in them.
He’s had to give up so much of what he loved and who he was.
But I thought eventually, he would see the wisdom of the move.
Maybe he will. But this Mama’s heart hurts for him. He’s been through so much.
I heard him utter last night, “What’s the point of all of this, when my life has had so much pain?”
It breaks my heart.
In his life, there was family addiction, then a divorce, next came deep family chaos, followed by a breast cancer journey, and lastly followed by a move he didn’t want to make.
As much good as I’ve tried to bring him, I cannot deny that there has been a lot of pain as well. And that breaks my heart.
And if the pain wasn’t enough, here come the voices of condemnation.
I’ve tried so hard to do the right thing, but I sometimes wonder if anyone can see it. Does he see that? Even if he does, does that help him?
Sometimes in life, you can’t make better decisions. You have been given circumstances that crash over you like ocean waves.
You can hardly catch your breath before the next one hits you.
There may have been a difficult childhood full of neglect or abuse, an illness you didn’t see coming, or poverty that you can’t work hard enough to overcome.
And you are just holding on to the edge of the life raft, trying to comfort the children inside of it.
The people outside of the storm wonder why you can’t get it “together.”
The arrogant and the self-righteous will tell you that “You should have known better.“
And now that you “have made your bed, you can lie in it.“
That “You are alone and responsible for your choices, and you will reap ‘what you have coming to you.”
They judge without mercy. And even without acknowledging the ongoing circumstances in someone’s life.
But that is not how God sees us, and that is not how God sees the situation that we are in.
God wants us to see our situation with hope. He has a “hope and a future” for our hurting child as well as us.
At every turn, we have been offered grace and power.
It would be easy for me to sink into despair here and to believe their lies. But that is not what God has for you or for me!
There are steps we can take to help our child process pain healthily.
Let’s explore these together!
Admit it. What has happened has happened. Denial will only further the hurt.
Denial invalidates your child’s experience. It minimizes their pain. More than that, it’s dishonest. Nothing good will come from a mom who denies reality.
I’ve seen this happen. And it confuses the child. They are left doubting themselves, blaming themselves, or being left unable to process the situation at all.
It’s better to be honest.
The pain has happened.
Allow the child a safe place to look at the pain.
Give your child time to grieve.
As parents, we tend to be selfish. We do not want to see our child in pain.
So, we rush them.
We want to see them do “normal” activities.
For example, as a newly single mom, I tried to put my older children in sports. Because it looked “normal.”
They were not ready for that. They needed time without changes to grieve their loss of a family.
How selfish I was to “rush” their pain.
I’ve learned this lesson the hard way.
Allow your child to grieve.
Give them space and time to mourn what was lost.
Provide the positives where you can.
Focus on providing positive experiences. The meals they love and the places they like to go. And loads of compassion.
Compliments when you see them doing well.
Hugs, if they let you. A loving touch.
Be there to provide every positive experience you can.
Keep things stable. No changes, if you can help it, during this time.
Be silent when you need to be. And pray.
Pray for wisdom, guidance, and healing. Pray for yourself and for your child.
Cover every aspect of your child in prayer.
One of the greatest movies on this is called “War Room.” I highly recommend this movie. Because prayer moves things that we cannot.
Know when to ask for help.
There will be times in life you have to ask for help.
If the pain in your child’s life is too great for you to handle alone, reach out.
Do not allow hopelessness and despair to take over.
Hurt happens, but despair must be dealt with.
Consider finding a licensed Christian counselor.
Here are some resources to help you.
Focus on the Family has a lot of information:
Christian Counselor Directory:
https://www.christiancounselordirectory.com/
Gently show them a different perspective.
Some things are just hard. But even in that, there are ways to help a child gain perspective.
My child’s grief over leaving the country might be insight into his career choice. He may prefer ranching, farming, or being a Game and Fish officer.
Abuse may have happened, but helping the child see that she could be a counselor and help other people go through a similar situation with hope and compassion.
When I went through cancer and received a mastectomy, I met a nurse like this. Her mom had gone through cancer ten years before this, and she was able to offer me hope. Her mom was doing great!
Give your child a lifeline. Show them that the future is full of hope.
Hard things do happen. But so do very good things!
Believe that for yourself as well!
Prayers for your journey,
Lacey
